Alan's guide to beating writer's block into a bloody pulp

Although this piece is now eight years old, it felt as useful today as when I wrote it. So I've pinned it for any aspiring writers out there...

Like every writer under the sun (and a whole load more who remain pale-skinned and stored away from direct sunlight… like myself in fact), I am well aware that I have a predisposition towards procrastination. Brought up in a era where the internet was maturing, distractions are just too easy, and a quick bit of research into ‘what year was that handset made?’ can lead me down a Wikipedia rabbit hole of distractions. Just writing that sentence has made me want to look up rabbits on Wikipedia, but I shall stay focused because that’s what this blog post is all about.

This is how I start every Freelance Friday. Only I don’t colour in the hearts.

With that opening paragraph, you may think I’m the worst person in the world to be writing on that topic. Well tough, you’re reading this now, and presumably you didn’t get distracted by the link to rabbits on Wikipedia, so you passed the first test.

Anyway, I’ve taken a small step towards becoming my own boss. Every Friday, I don’t make the short walk to Tooting Rail Station, and instead spend the day writing. So I’ve had to become a bit more disciplined a lot more quickly. So these tips are to remind myself, as much as anything. Here’s Alan’s Guide to Beating Writer’s Block Into a Bloody Pulp That Can Only Be Recognised With Reference to Dental Records:

1) Just Get It Down

You’ve got a wordcount of 1,500 words to fill. That’s easy, a tiny amount once you get started, but getting started is the hardest bit. The longer you stay staring at that blank page, the harder it becomes so just dig in with any words that come to mind. If you take this approach, your basic structure will be in place, and then you can go back and make it read well later.

You’re not sending it as it is: only you see this draft, full of typos, repeated words and vagueness, so don’t be so bloody precious about it. Suddenly your wordcount is half full and you can go back, fact-check and make it presentable, and nobody need ever be any the wiser about the mess it was before.

2) Plan it Out

This may sound like it directly contradicts the first point, and it might do, or it might not. If you know you have certain points you have to cover in your 1,500 words, then put a heading for each area you have to cover in the order you think would flow most naturally. Then you can combine this point with the first and rattle your way through the entire article in no time, leaving you plenty of room to tidy things up. This is no doubt partly psychological: it means that blank page is no longer blank.

3) Kill All Distractions

If this isn’t working, it’s time to get serious. Remove any background music with lyrics (I find Unwed Sailor is great to work to, because it’s just indie instrumentals that won’t distract with words and meanings), and block internet sites you don’t need. This may be as simple as full-screening your writing program, or you may decide to take more drastic steps.

The trouble with this, of course, is that you may need the internet for legitimate research. If you have a laptop and a PC, you can make one your writing point and the other your research station. Sounds silly, but this differentiation can really help you out and keep you focussed.

My favourite tip in this situation is to use my iPad with a Bluetooth keyboard with the iA Writer app, which is the most barebones writing tool around: it’s literally just you and the text you write. No distractions, just a wall of text and a wordcounter. Perfect for getting the basics down for more refined editing later (and the editing, though tedious, is a lot easier.)

4) Don’t Stop Reading

Around £13 in spend, and one very confused newsagent. but hopefully loads of ideas…

But let’s say you don’t have a specific brief of what to write about and you’re looking for inspiration. The best thing is to read all around the area that you want to write about from as many different sources as possible. I will quite often read opinion pieces from The Guardian and The Telegraph, and this keeps my synapses firing on topics I didn’t think it was possible to have an original thought on. Don’t just stop at the articles and opinion pieces: read the comments too. Yes, they’ll make you angry and despair for humanity, but often a single sentence thrown off by a commenter will unlock a whole new chain of ideas in your head and you’re pitching away like a man possessed. This is how my first New Statesman piece came into existence.

This has the added bonus of making you read other established writers, to see how they craft their articles and views into a coherent argument. I like to think I’m pretty good at this after many years of writing professionally but if you’re new to writing it’s invaluable, and you can always learn more.

5) Talk it Through With Somebody Else

Sometimes it can be really helpful to find someone you haven’t bored to tears with such requests before just to bounce ideas off. They don’t need to know the subject area - in fact, it’s often better that they don’t as it can make you question whether you should be a bit clearer in defining terms.

But what often happens is the person will interrupt and ask questions that you hadn’t even considered, and make your brain fire off in a whole new direction. Bam, suddenly your challenge is not reaching the wordcount, but trying to make sure you don’t smash through it.

6) Clear Your Head

The idea a year ago that I would, without irony, instruct other people to go for a run would be laughable, but as someone who now does so himself every other day, I can really see its benefits. There are plenty of ways of taking a break from writing, but ideally you want something to allow your brain to just percolate on ideas without cramming new stuff in, so watching TV, reading a book or playing a game is out. Running is perfect, because it’s so mind-numbingly dull that you can’t help but let your mind wander. Meditation might also be good, and I used to get a similar effect from walking places, so these will probably work if you can’t stomach the idea of being one of those smug runners (I know: I dislike myself immensely for becoming one of those people too).

I use Endomondo to track my runs. This lets others send messages while you’re out running, as my brother demonstrates with this wonderful peptalk.

7) Read it over

If you’ve said everything you wanted to say, and you’re still short on words, then go back and tidy up what you’ve already done. I tend to proofread my work at least two or three times before signing off on it, and I’m constantly tinkering with my word choice. But if you do this before hitting the word count, it’ll allow you to spot bits you haven’t covered and expand on them.

And hopefully you’re done! Feel free to reward yourself with this short Blackadder clip below (I might genuinely start playing this every time I send in an invoice from hereon in):

No, Boris Johnson’s IQ Gaffe Won’t Kill Off His Leadership Ambitions

Boris Johnson - a politician I have precisely no time for at all, but a lot of people seem to like because he was quite funny on that TV panel quiz show - is having a bit of a rare experience for him at the moment. He’s getting some bad press.

He made some comments associating success with IQ. This is pretty laughable, considering how dubious the IQ test is, let alone trying to tie it up with life chances. But it’s the kind of thing the Tory Right like with their philosophy: that hard work and industry can - to use Johnson’s ‘charming’ parlance - ensure the clever cornflakes rise to the top of the pack.

It’s far from the most offensive thing he’s ever said, and I won’t waste time by digging out his back catalogue of instances where the mask of bumbling charmer has slipped, because they’re easy enough to find. These instances are quite jarring with his main persona and the image the media has assisted in creating for him. I don’t even think this latest IQ snafu is that bad, considering his form, but I welcome the extra scrutiny he’s so rarely subjected to. But my problem is this: it won’t stick at all. Loads of media commenters are stating this is a PR disaster and the end of his leadership chances. I highly doubt it.

The reason why? Everyone - even card carrying pinko liberals like myself - has spent a good proportion of their life 'silently bemoaning half-wits in our heads’. And while I’d never be so crude as to take a guess at someone’s IQ, the truth is that people will hear this and think 'ah yes, those idiots’, even when they’re actually a little too dim to figure out that criticism was being leveled directly at them.

That’s the trouble with this kind of vague catch-all insult - its so directionless that anyone can nod and think the target is someone else. Everybody believes they’re above average, which is both mathematically and philosophically impossible. Everyone thinks they’re above average intelligence (yep), everyone thinks they’re an above average driver (I don’t, but then multiple failed tests are hard to argue with), and everyone thinks they’re above average in bed (I am an excellent sleeper). So nobody will think that Johnson is referring to them when they talk about the 16% of below average intelligence.

So in short, he’s not writing off 47% of the electorate like Romney did, nor is he insulting the voters he intends to woo. Even if he is, they don’t think he’s referring to them. He’s only offending the kind of liberals and lefties who have been infuriated by him for years. No change there. And in any case they’re offended on others’ behalf, because as humans they also believe they’re above average.

So in other words, despite everyone calling it a gaffe, it’s not at all. He’s ingratiating himself to the Tory right, not affecting floating voters at all and keeping the status quo with the minority of folks who dislike him intensely. Classic Boris.

Oh, and for what it’s worth, last time I took an IQ test about 8 years ago I scored 103. Not in the 2% Boris Johnson wants to celebrate the greed of then, which explains why I’m writing this from a bed with a cat walking across my face rather than a luxury yacht with an ocelot perched majestically next to me… I may have confused ideas about what being rich involves.

My First Experience with Sleep Paralysis - I Almost Won

I’ve been sick as a dog the last few days, taking last Thursday (and my freelance Friday) off due to food poisoning or gastric flu. I’m still not better and it looks like tomorrow may be off as well, more than doubling the amount of sick days I’ve taken in my 8 year working life.

But anyway, as a result I think, I had my first experience with sleep paralysis last night. Sleep paralysis, conceptually, has always terrified me: for those that don’t know, it’s what happens when the body is paralysed for sleep (to stop you acting out your dreams, presumably), but you wake up before your body has been given the go-ahead by the brain to move again. Essentially you can tend to move your eyes, and your fingers and toes, but little else.

The trouble is half the time, people are still in the sleep stages, so they get some pretty terrifying hallucinations - demons sitting on them, children talking to them, shadowy figures approaching the bed, etc.

I’ve been worried I’d have this happen to me since the first time I read about it over a decade ago, and thankfully it looks like I’m not a natural sufferer. I think what tipped me over the edge last night, was that in an attempt to calm my attention seeking sore stomach, I went for some painkillers but only had the caffeinated ones left. I don’t drink coffee, and I don’t drink tea, so I rarely have caffeine. I blame this, and the mild fever I still have, for what happened next.

Because I’d been aware of it for so long, I knew exactly what was happening when my eyes clicked open, and I stared at the digital clock by my bed, unable to move. I could actually feel my left eye twitching, which I assume is still part of the REM sleep cycle*, so I was pretty prepared just to ride it out until I got control of my body again. Unfortunately, my brain had other ideas as I began to rationalise in my head:

“Ooh, sleep paralysis! So, this is what it feels like - look I can see all around the right hand side of the room. But where are the mysterious figures? The loud noises? The sense of dread? [A beat] Oh. That sense of dread”

And just by thinking it, there it was. A feeling of terror planted in the centre of my chest and rapidly expanding outwards.

“There’s something behind me - I have my back to the door, what’s there?”

And when the terror reached its zenith, my mouth involuntarily opened to shout, only no noise can come out when paralysed. But that jolted me awake, and I could suddenly move, and the panic instantly subsided.

It’s different from waking from a nightmare though: the immediate environment is exactly the same, so there’s no reassuring change of scenery, but for some reason the terror vanished instantly - no build down at all. I was actually able to get back to sleep surprisingly quickly after I’d gotten over playing back what it felt like: after years of fearing it, I didn’t want to forget the feelings, which is partly why I’m writing this down here.

So that was my first experience with sleep paralysis. I hope it’s my last, but compared to others, I certainly had it easy.

* This may well be bad science, but as REM is connected with dreams, and sleep paralysis is a side effect of dreaming, it makes sense to me. Agree, scientists?